I want to break free…

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I want to break free…I want to break free…

The difference being between me and the Queen song above, I want to break free from the memories that have a hold of me.

I have to give my video statement to the police soon and I’m scared. My heart races, my eyes water and my stomach drops. I am scared of reliving my memories and going back through the whole ordeal, but to make it worse…I have to give a statement to the police in front of my boyfriend. He’s going to see me at my lowest when I am most vulnerable and I’m not sure I’m ready for him to see me that way. I need him there and I need him to help me be strong, but I worry that I am putting too much on him and expecting too much from him. I worry that he has taken on to much baggage from me and that he’ll eventually realise that this is too much and he’ll run. He says he won’t and that he is too nice to leave someone going through all this and that in the grand scheme of things it’s a bump in the road. Still when he says he wouldn’t leave me just because I’m going through this, it still makes me worry that he would sometimes like to leave me. I don’t want him thinking that way.

However, he and I have agreed that we both don’t want to have to relive and replay that day when I realised what had happened to me and told him because it is easier to forget and wish that it didn’t happen, but it did and now I have to go through with what I started. If I let him go, the man who did this to me, then I’ll never be able to get better as I’ll always be looking over my shoulder.

Eventually, I will break the hold that this demon has over me and the memories it brings back up, but right now they are fresh in my mind and they won’t go away.

My boyfriend asks me to not have panic attacks and worry so much, but I can’t help the fact that I have had panic attacks since I was 16 and this just aggravates them more. I panic when my emotions get a hold of me and there is nothing I can do about them, but I want to and I will. Therapy is helpful. I will deal with them, but it’s all about time.

But for now, the demons have a hold of me and they like to play with my memories and for now I shall sing I want to break free…and I will Keep fighting those demons.

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Therapy Session 2

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Had my second therapy session on Friday. I find it good to go, talking to someone is very helpful and getting out what happened to me and my feelings is good for me to overcome the issues I have.

Talking to my therapist unearthed a lot of issues I have gained since I realised what had happened to me, since I realised that I had been groomed for over 10 years and sexually molested. My therapist has helped me realise a lot of the trauma I’ve been through.

My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD and she helped me realise that the reason I haven’t slept properly in months is because I’m now hyper-vigilant to everything around me at night because the last time I was molested I heard him in my room in his house watching me sleep. I’m jumpy too and if I even make little connections between people and my memories then I can’t be near them alone.

My therapist helped me realise that I was brought up differently to my sisters. My therapist helped me see that I’ve been strong all of my life and that this has shaken me to my core.

Every time I go to the see my therapist I cry and it’s hard for me not to because like I always say to her, admitting what happened to me and talking about it really makes it real and hard for me.

She tells me to write what happened to me from the 8 year olds perspective as she didn’t have a voice and she told me to write it down to give the young girl in me a chance to regain part of her childhood. I feel like this man stole my childhood and took away my trust, my confidence, my ability to sleep.

I wish someone would understand how I’m feeling and what’s going on in my head. I wish my boyfriend would understand that I don’t mean to make connections with people he knows and the person who did this to me.

I wish people didn’t look at me with so much pity, but they do and I get it, but it doesn’t mean I like it. Anyway, let’s keep fighting those demons.

Always moving

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I kind of feel awkward when I say to people that I’ve moved around 7 times and I am only 20 and now, I’m staring down the barrel of another move. If my relationship works out and keeps going the way that it is, then I’m probably going to be moving out within a year, which means that Christmas next year I’ll probably be living in my own flat with my boyfriend.

The reason I feel awkward is because when I say I’ve moved around a lot, most people come back with the same answer ‘oh I haven’t’ or ‘I grew up in the same house all my life’. I do envy that because they obviously have special memories of their homes and marks from where they grew in height or scuffs in places where they have hit themselves. Well I don’t really have that. I can’t walk down a hallway and think, I remember my childhood in this place because if I did that I’d probably be arrested for breaking and entering.

Moving around a lot has kind of made me feel like I don’t really have a properly stable place to live because I am always expecting to be moved again. I am so used to moving now that even after living in my current flat for two years with my family, I still have things under my bed that are in boxes.

This demon makes me want to give to my future children (if I have any) something that I never had – I want to give them a stable house where they can grow up in for the rest of their lives. I don’t want them to have to move around as much as I have before they reached adulthood. I always thought that once I reached adulthood I’d have to move once or twice before I found the perfect place to settle down, but I’ve had to move 7 times just with my family and I worry if I’m going to end up like my mum, never happy with where I live.

I’m just waiting for the day that my mum phones me up and says she’s flipped the current flat and swapped it for another because she hated it for this reason or another – normally it is about the kitchen size because I know it is going to happen and I know that I will get that call one day, I just hope I get it once I have moved out.

This demon doesn’t bother me all the time and I’m sure he’ll go once I’m settled myself, but I want my children to have the childhood home I don’t have.

But in the mean time, let’s keep fighting them demons!

Special Needs

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I have Dyspraxia. It is something I was born with and it is something I’ll always have. It is genetic and is passed down through my family. I was diagnosed when I was 15.

Yes, it makes me different and yes, it makes a few things difficult like spelling words some days. It does annoy the hell out of me when I forget to spell the word ‘because’ some days and I’ll end up spending 15 minutes trying to remember because my brain will have had a wipe and have forgotten it. Other difficult things are seeing black writing on white paper, I can’t see the words that well and bashing into things that I know are there, but I think I’ll miss them and I don’t. I have more bruises than I can count sometimes.

But it has given me some things like because of it, I have had to learn to touch type and now I can type an essay faster than someone could write it without taking my eyes off of the screen. Because I have Dyspraxia, I have learnt to be more careful and to take my time with things. I can’t rush and I need to be sure.

I can’t organise my room at all, but I can organise my mind and my computer perfectly, which I have learnt to do because otherwise I’ll lose or forget something. I know that because of my dyspraxia, my grammar and spelling is terrible, but I write to work at it so that I can learn it over and over again. I know that because of my dyspraxia, I find shapes and driving difficult, so I take longer to be sure and I drive automatic when I’m older.

Fate puts challenges in front of us to show us that with a little work and perseverance, we can find a way around them. I know that because of my dyspraxia and terrible balance, I couldn’t ride a bike till I was 15, but once I worked at it and got more confident, I realised that I could do it.

Confidence issues are a big thing that I have had to deal with because I was told that I was stupid for not knowing a word or that I was slow or that I was lazy for not being able to do normal sports. It has taken me till now to gain back some of the confidence that was taken from me.

Do I classify myself as normal?
I ask you, what is normal? In my family, it seems normal to have one abnormality about you and I am normal because I am like other people. There are days when I find things so hard that I wish that my hands were normal and that my brain worked like everyone else’s, but then I think, would I still be me?

My dyspraxia helps to shape my personality and it makes me, me. It doesn’t stop me from passing my first semester at University and it doesn’t stop me from getting A’s in classes that I am good at even though they include written reports. It doesn’t stop me from seeming like everyone else and even if you have a quirk or something that makes you different, doesn’t mean you should too. These quirks are what make us who we are.

Dyspraxia can affect any or all areas of development – intellectual, emotional, physical, language, social and sensory – and may impair a person’s normal process of learning. Usually, it’s said to be an impairment or immaturity of the organisation of movement, but associated with this may be problems of language, perception and thought.

Problems arise in the process of forming ideas, motor planning and execution, since people with dyspraxia have poor understanding of the messages their senses convey and difficulty relating those messages to actions.

This means physical activities are hard to learn, difficult to keep, and hesitant and awkward in performance.

Dyspraxia affects each person in different ways and at different stages of development. How an individual is affected is inconsistent, too. For example, one day they may be able to do a specific task, the next day they can’t.

Developmental dyspraxia is an impairment or immaturity of the organisation of movement. It is an immaturity in the way that the brain processes information, which results in messages not being properly or fully transmitted. The term dyspraxia comes from the word praxis, which means ‘doing, acting’. Dyspraxia affects the planning of what to do and how to do it. It is associated with problems of perception, language and thought.

Dyspraxia is thought to affect up to ten per cent of the population and up to two per cent severely. Men are four times more likely to be affected than women. Dyspraxia sometimes runs in families. There may be an overlap with related conditions.

Other names for dyspraxia include Developmental Co-ordination Disorder (DCD), Perceptuo-Motor Dysfunction, and Motor Learning Difficulties. It used to be known as Minimal Brain Damage and Clumsy Child Syndrome.

Statistically, it is likely that there is one child in every class of 30 children. We need to make sure that everyone understands and knows how best to help this significant minority.

Dyspraxia Website

Symptoms:

Gross motor co-ordination skills (large movements):

  • Poor balance. Difficulty in riding a bicycle, going up and down hills (Couldn’t ride a bike till I was 15)
  • Poor posture and fatigue. Difficulty in standing for a long time as a result of weak muscle tone. Floppy, unstable round the joints. Some people with dyspraxia may have flat feet (I have hypermobility)
  • Poor integration of the two sides of the body. Difficulty with some sports involving jumping and cycling
  • Poor hand-eye co-ordination. Difficulty with team sports especially those which involve catching a ball and batting. Difficulties with driving a car
  • Lack of rhythm when dancing, doing aerobics
  • Clumsy gait and movement. Difficulty changing direction, stopping and starting actions
  • Exaggerated ‘accessory movements’ such as flapping arms when running
  • Tendency to fall, trip, bump into things and people

Fine motor co-ordination skills (small movements):

  • Lack of manual dexterity. Poor at two-handed tasks, causing problems with using cutlery, cleaning, cooking, ironing, craft work, playing musical instruments
  • Poor manipulative skills. Difficulty with typing, handwriting and drawing. May have a poor pen grip, press too hard when writing and have difficulty when writing along a line
  • Inadequate grasp. Difficulty using tools and domestic implements, locks and keys
  • Difficulty with dressing and grooming activities, such as putting on makeup, shaving, doing hair, fastening clothes and tying shoelaces

Poorly established hand dominance:

  • May use either hand for different tasks at different times

Speech and language:

  • May talk continuously and repeat themselves. Some people with dyspraxia have difficulty with organising the content and sequence of their language
  • May have unclear speech and be unable to pronounce some words
  • Speech may have uncontrolled pitch, volume and rate

Eye movements:

  • Tracking. Difficulty in following a moving object smoothly with eyes without moving head excessively. Tendency to lose the place while reading
  • Poor relocating. Cannot look quickly and effectively from one object to another (such as, looking from a TV to a magazine)

Perception (interpretation of the different senses):

  • Poor visual perception
  • Over-sensitive to light
  • Difficulty in distinguishing sounds from background noise. Tendency to be over-sensitive to noise
  • Over- or under-sensitive to touch. Can result in dislike of being touched and/or aversion to over-loose or tight clothing – tactile defensiveness
  • Over- or under-sensitive to smell and taste, temperature and pain
  • Lack of awareness of body position in space and spatial relationships. Can result in bumping into and tripping over things and people, dropping and spilling things
  • Little sense of time, speed, distance or weight. Leading to difficulties driving, cooking
  • Inadequate sense of direction. Difficulty distinguishing right from left means map reading skills are poor

Learning, thought and memory:

  • Difficulty in planning and organising thought
  • Poor memory, especially short-term memory. May forget and lose things
  • Unfocused and erratic. Can be messy and cluttered
  • Poor sequencing causes problems with maths, reading and spelling and writing reports at work
  • Accuracy problems. Difficulty with copying sounds, writing, movements, proofreading
  • Difficulty in following instructions, especially more than one at a time
  • Difficulty with concentration. May be easily distracted
  • May do only one thing at a time properly, though may try to do many things at once
  • Slow to finish a task. May daydream and wander about aimlessly

Emotion and behaviour:

  • Difficulty in listening to people, especially in large groups. Can be tactless, interrupt often. Problems with team work
  • Difficulty in picking up non-verbal signals or in judging tone or pitch of voice in themselves and or others. Tendency to take things literally. May listen but not understand
  • Slow to adapt to new or unpredictable situations. Sometimes avoids them altogether
  • Impulsive. Tendency to be easily frustrated, wanting immediate gratification
  • Tendency to be erratic and have ‘good and bad days’
  • Tendency to opt out of things that are too difficult

Emotions as a result of difficulties experienced:

  • Tend to get stressed, depressed and anxious easily
  • May have difficulty sleeping
  • Prone to low self-esteem, emotional outbursts, phobias, fears, obsessions, compulsions and addictive behaviour

The bold ones are all the ones that I have.

Online test

I don’t really think of this a demon, but it is something I worry about. Due to the fact that mine is genetic I do worry that my children will have it. I worry that they might be worse than me. I guess you can’t predict if you’re going to pass on any of your demons or not.

But anyway, let’s keep fighting those demons.

First Therapy Session

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I had my first therapy session on Friday and although I had to get up early for it, it was slightly helpful.

These therapy sessions are different from my other ones as these ones are to help me get past the fact that I was sexually molested from the age of 8 or groomed. I don’t mind writing down what happened to me or even texting it to my friend, but when I talk about it and say what happened, I actually have to admit that this happened to me.

I guess the hardest part is admitting what happened to me and saying that yes, I was groomed from the age of 8 and that yes I didn’t fully realise what was going on because according to my therapist, I wasn’t fully aware of my own body, which I can understand.

Admitting what happened to me makes me cry. I was balling in that session and I couldn’t stop it because the memories just came flooding back. I guess that is the hardest thing to deal with. The memories will never leave me and I’ll need to learn to deal with them without them taking control over me. They cause me to stop and start crying, which ends up being all I’m able to do.

Anyway, back to the therapy – other than blubbering I was having to admit a lot of home truths. I have gained a lot of anger issues caused by this and my ability to deal with my depression has plummeted. I also have major trust issues, I’m severely jumpy and I find it hard to be around men.

The man who groomed me is in his 70s and it started when he was in his 60s. I can’t help, but wonder if these men think they can just do what they want and get away with it. I guess he thought he’d get away with what he was doing to me because my mother idolized him and he had such power that he thought he’d get away with it.

My therapist is going to be helpful in keeping me sane through everything that happened to me and the fact that this isn’t over. Yes, I’ll never have to be alone with him ever again, but I will have to deal with the memories for the rest of my life and I’ll have to talk about it again whenever the need arises.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that although the therapy is good at the moment and helping me to feel more comfortable, I’ll still have demons to deal with. I am starting to worry about how I’ll act when I have children. I’m scared I’ll be too overly protective and scared to leave them with anyone. Right now I don’t even trust people around my baby sister. I fear I’ll be worse with my own children.

Fear is something I’ll always have to deal with and this is going to be the root of it. I just have to find ways to not let the fear eat at me all the time and keep calm when it does.

So, let’s just Keep fighting them demons!

Stress

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Stress is one of those things that always creeps up on you and it’s part of my anxiety demon that I have had since I was 16. I guess I just haven’t figured out just yet how to balance my stress plus my lack of sleep probably doesn’t help.

Stress is something I’m sure we all deal with and my main cause of stress is my school work aka University – 3rd year and the fact that this is the defining year. I do blame my mother in a way – she pushes me to finish school and do this degree and do well and be better and sometimes it can be a little too overwhelming.

My stress over activates my brain which makes it swell which gives me headaches. It’s an endless cycle because even when I take a nap and go to sleep, the headache is still there. There is possibly something more underneath that which I will need to have checked out, but maybe later.

Stress is a part of life and my anxiety demon is something I’ll always have as stress is something I’ll always be going through. I am still learning and figuring out ways to deal with my stress, but if any of you deal with stress then how do you handle it?

Now, I’m going to calm this headache down with some medication as hopefully that will help and keep the demon at bay.

So let’s keep fighting them demons.

3 months

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 I have now been with my boyfriend for 3 months and we have had a few ups and downs due to the fact that I have brought a lot of demons into this relationship.

He is a sweet, kind man and he has been my rock through my most recent ‘demon’ and although this demon has brought a lot of side kicks, he has stuck by me, which is surprising and it is very nice to have someone stick by me even when I am at my lowest.

Always so tired

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 I’ve been in and out of hospitals since I was little because I’m such a sickly child and that has progressed into my adult life. The main problem I have is that I have been so sick all the time that I am always so tired and feel like it is hard to get up and do normal things.

Let’s see, when I was born I was put into the NICU when I was a baby and since then I have been in and out of hospitals. My recent stint in hospital was a week ago when my Labrynthitis got worse and I could barely walk around. My bruise on my hand still hasn’t gone away 😦

So, today’s post – I’m really tired and I think it’s from how much work I do – which gives me headaches as I push my brain too far and also from the fact my lovely boyfriend snores like a rusty pipe in the wind and I can barely sleep.

Sleep is a funny thing and its something I feel like I can never get enough of. This in and out of hospitals demon can be shortened into the Sickly Child Demon which seems to follow me no matter where I go. I have Asthma which gets bad this time of year and I do hate always been so sick. I feel like I’m missing too much school whenever I am sick because I don’t want to listen and sometimes I can’t even get into school.

I feel like my sleepiness is a never ending cycle, but I was warned that third year of university would do this to me. I’m a few months in and I’m trying to keep going, but there are a few things that I love to procrastinate on.

SO the sickly child demon – I hope this is one I don’t pass along as it is not fun to be in and out of hospital all the time. I do hate the fact that I get all the infections with the really weird names because I feel like when I say what I have to people they don’t believe me because it sounds too out of this world.

This demon is always nipping at my heals and I will never let him get me fully. He catches me sometimes and I just have to keep fighting him off. So people…Keep fighting them demons!

Down Days

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I hate when I get down days. It’s like my emotions just shut down and I can’t feel anything. I want to feel, don’t get me wrong. It feels terrible to not feel anything when I’m with my boyfriend and he’s being so loving and I’m like :/ Yeah not fun…

On days like that it is so hard to even smile, but so easy to cry. This is because of a long-ish running demon = Depression Demon

This demon has been with me since I was 18, but he has been nibbling at my heals and biting at me, trying to get to me for years and it was only when I was 18 that I slowed down and I let him get me, but now…he has such a hold on me and I’m trying to fight him, but it is so hard. Depression is hard and it is tiring and it is a long road and I’m at the start.

Some days I can handle it, but some days it gets me and it’s hard to handle, do I wish I didn’t have it? Oh hell yes, it is annoying and I hate it and I hate what it does to my mind. This is one demon that is going to be with me for a while, but I will fight him.

Now, this lovely demon (sarcasm) causes me to have down days and I hate these days, I want to be free and be able to feel. I do hate it when my emotions shut down. I had a down day the other day and I cried because I felt like everything I did was wrong and I felt like I was a bad girlfriend and I cried. I cried into my boyfriend’s arms and I cried over silly little things, but I still cried. I wanted to feel and I wanted to be better, but I felt like my demon was holding me back. The demon shuts down all my emotions except my sadness. It makes me sad and depressed. That’s all I feel and I hate it.

So, my demon won a few days ago, but I’m still fighting the good fight. And so should you…fight that demon

Therapy 2.0

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Back at it again…I went into therapy when I was 16 because I had anxiety and exam stress. Now, let me tell you therapy was very helpful and very understanding when it came to digging into what I was going through and although it had to end when I was 18, my therapist was nice enough to let me continue till I got into University that September.

Unfortunately, due to issues that happened that year, which I will talk about at a later date, I went on to anti depressants September of 2012, but it is not about my depression…well not entirely, let’s move on to what this post is really about, I’m back in therapy as of November 14th.
This time however, not for anxiety or exam stress, but because of the sexual abuse I sustained throughout most of my life. The thing that this has done to me has given me many more demons. It has created a rift between my parents and me because I didn’t understand what was happening to me till it was too late and because I decided to do things that they thought were what I was thinking was right – I’ll get into that later

So – why am I in therapy?

To deal with the anger, trust and hate issues I have that have been caused by the sexual abuse that I sustained
 
Why am I back in therapy?
My doctor and the NHS thought it was in my ‘best interest’ to go back aka go to therapy or Psych ward
 
Do I want to do it?
Yes, I want to get better
 
So, first therapy session – Friday 14th November – 10am
I will write about that session